had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
