Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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