Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I got inside last night via doggy door
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
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