pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
