then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
