I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
