the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
