just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Randomize
