i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
