I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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