Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
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