Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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