exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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