And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
