i'm signing you up for texting rehab
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
