just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
being pregnant is like rehab
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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