Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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