Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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