piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
