I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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