you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
