Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
