Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize