Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Randomize
