I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Randomize
