god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
My brain says no but my pants say off.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
How drunk are you?
Completed.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
