I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Randomize
