The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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