he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
