If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Randomize
