I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
There r osticjed everywhere
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
