I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Randomize
