The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
