I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
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