This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize
