You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
