woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
What changed your mind?
Being sober
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
