im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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