so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
