wat bout pragnant strippers??
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
