I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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