We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
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I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
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I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
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