So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Randomize
