i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
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