I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
