Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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