How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
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