rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I want to fling myself into the sun
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Randomize
