Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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