If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize