we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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