Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
