Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
That accounts for only three of the penises
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
