I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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