I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
