Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
