I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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